Sawant Plots Elaborate Heist of Amazon Gold Vaults
SEATTLE, WA – Frustrated by multiple thwarted attempts to impose new taxes on Amazon.com, Seattle City Council member Kshama Sawant today revealed she is planning to increase city funding for homeless and underprivileged youth through a daring and elaborate heist of Amazon’s massive gold vault in its downtown Seattle offices.
“For far too long, the greed of billionaire capitalists has perpetuated the unconscionable income inequality that destroys the lives of Seattle’s working class people and the disadvantaged,” Sawant told reporters. “So we are going to rob the Amazon Sphere that is secretly home to the giant pool of gold coins where Jeff Bezos swims like Scrooge McDuck.”
Sawant added that for her plan she was assembling a special for-one-job-only multicultural team of aloof cat burglars, smooth con men with secrets, comic relief computer hackers, happy-go-lucky security experts and gruff but secretly vulnerable ex-boxers who could have made something out of their careers if they hadn’t been forced into lives of crime by dames who done them wrong.
“Sully just got out of the stir for robbing a Vegas casino in the boldest heist of his career,” Sawant said, “and he’s looking for that one big score that will turn him from a loser to a winner. He’ll cause a disturbance in the Amazon 4-Star and then crack the main security locks. Pranab is the lonely, brilliant nerd who can hack all of Amazon’s computers to turn their cameras off for only 30 seconds – but he’ll find love with Hiroko, the single mother ex-acrobat who will open the vaults through the elevator shaft.”
“K’Dishah is a trash-talking explosives expert who’s all party on the outside but whose bluster covers an unexpected and tragic past. He’ll blow the inner vault and make way for Abdul, who came out of retirement for one last job and will brazenly walk out the front door with the gold claiming to be a Federal gold coin inspector.”
“Key to the whole thing of course is Allison, a seemingly uncaring former sex worker with a secret heart of gold who will keep Bezos distracted during the heist – but will her romantic past with the billionaire Amazon CEO create unexpected complications at the last minute? And lastly we have Craig, our intern who will manage HR and administration and ensure that everyone receives at least $15 per hour for the heist and is enrolled for health benefits.”
Sawant did not specify when the heist would take place but advised her Facebook Groups and Twitter followers to stay tuned for announcements between June 8-10.