SDOT: West Seattle Bridge Made Almost Entirely Out of Particle Board, Asbestos

SEATTLE, WA – Seattle Department of Transportation director Sam Zimbabwe today told reporters that, after further inspections, it was discovered that the West Seattle Bridge was composed mostly of particle board and vinyl siding, held together with an intricate network of thumb tacks and tile grout.

“We’re not sure why this wasn’t noticed” in previous inspections, Zimbabwe added, or during the bridge’s lengthy construction process, “but we’re learning a little more about the bridge every day. So that’s a positive.”

The bridge faced emergency closure on March 23 after SDOT inspections showed cracks in the structure which had grown rapidly and required urgent repair. Later inspections found a damaged bearing at Pier 18 and opened the potential that the bridge might not be repairable at all.

“Previous inspections had led us to believe that the issue was cracking around prestressed steel girders inside a concrete frame. Now, looking more closely, we have determined that the bridge is largely cardboard-based and held together with household supplies. We aren’t even sure we can clean it because some of this might be load-bearing graffiti.”

SDOT stressed that it was conducting further inspections and engineering tests, but that it felt confident that most serious potential surprises were fully understood and could be worked around. “Also,” Zimbabwe mentioned in passing that the end of the news conference, “it’s pretty much coated in Asbestos somehow so that might be a problem too.”