Community Voices: It’s Not Racist To Hate Canadians

By Agnes Millward

The Seattle Newsmaker’s “Community Voices” section is dedicated to providing a forum for our readers to share their opinions on a diverse range of topics. This week’s writer is Agnes Millward, a retired bookkeeper at the Boeing Corporation, organizer of the Mount Baker neighborhood social bocce ball league, and grandmother of 12.

“Hate” is an ugly word and an even uglier idea. “Racism” is a hurtful and shameful legacy of our past. But I feel it’s important we can all come together as a community and share a dedication to the idea that it is not racist to hate those f—ing Canadians.

Racism is an abominable behavior, treating others differently simply because they look different from you or me. But the terrible thing about these slippery Canadian bastards is that they don’t look different from normal people. That’s why they are so dangerous, and why it isn’t even the tiniest bit racist to despise them for the sinister Molson-swilling, Tim Horton’s-addled hockey hooligans that they are. Also they smell like maple syrup.

I believe in the great Abraham Lincoln’s words that we should have “malice towards none and charity towards all.” Nonetheless, filthy Canadians have been behind every great disaster in American history from the invasion and burning of Washington DC during the War of 1812 to Justin Bieber doing Justin Bieber things on American soil. Think about it – have the Canadians ever apologized for bombing of Pearl Harbor? Why not – what do they have to hide?

Take the red pill, real American-looking and actually American people! I’m not sure what that last bit means but my grandson told me to mention it. Also he says that “Canadian Chads with their seductive offers of free poutine” are why he’s an “Incel.” I don’t know but I think that last part is Internet speak for “cool grandma!”

P.S. If you are not real American or do not look look like a real American, please do not take the “red pill” without asking your doctor. A friend of mine took a red pill and it turned out to be a kidney bean.

Anyway, racism is terrible, and all of us can agree that we as a united human race should all come together to defeat it.

However, we can also agree that having deep, spiteful hatred for terrible subhuman degenerates like Canadians – in a totally non-racist way – is 100% fine. We wouldn’t tolerate a country sending Al Qaeda bombs here even once. But Canada has bombed us with Keanu Reeves, Kiefer Sutherland, Celine Dion and Ryan Gosling again and again.

I don’t want to take up too much of your time, and my soaps are on soon. Thank you so much for listening! But I just wanted to spread an important message to everyone in our community: racism is terrible and we should always love our neighbors! Except for our neighbors to the north in Canada who are degenerate Alanis Morissette-addicted, job-stealing jackals reeking of narwhal blubber, soft lumber and confusing Kilometers Per Hour highway signs.

P.S. I don’t think that Matthew McConaughey is Canadian, but can we all agree here to say he is too? He is a hateful son of a motherless goat and I’d like to see him get expelled from the country too if we can all just agree on that, thank you.