SeaTac Reports TSA Wait Times Finally Under 45 Minutes

SEATAC, WA – Seattle-Tacoma International Airport officials today reported that, after two months of COVID-19 related lockdowns and a 95 percent reduction in global air travel, wait times at most SeaTac TSA checkpoints were now down under 45 minutes.

“It’s really kind of a milestone for us,” said port commissioner Fred Grandy. “The six people who flew here yesterday each had to wait less than three quarters of an hour to get through security screening. And several of them had complicating factors that usually increase wait times, like having luggage or even wearing shoes.”

The speedier security has not come without downsides, however. “SeaTac has long relied on our customers having multi-hour TSA screening lines as an important source of revenue,” Grandy noted. “I mean, surely people don’t think that incomprehensible art installations between terminals pay for themselves. And it’s a well known fact that not one single person has ever purchased anything in a SeaTac duty-free store since 1988 except kleptocratic Chinese provincial governors picking up Marlboros on their way home to bribe senior Communist Party officials. But even that represents no more than 200 or 300 people a day usually.”

“For example,” Grandy said, “we have a small legion of ex-Hare Krishnas who now work the TSA lines soliciting contributions for the Cascade Bicycle Club and who owe a percentage to the airport. The Washington Wines tasting room owes 94% of its sales to customers who general TSA lane customers prompted to alcoholism. And of course we have our own SeaTac licensed cadre of cheerful ragamuffin Cockney-accented pickpockets, but those have a sustainable cost structure since they mostly work for gruel.”

Grandy concluded that May 2020 was “an especially good time to fly” and that travelers should be excited to return to the airport and “definitely make good friends with any Cockney-accented children who want to hug you or rifle through your pockets.”