The Seattle Newsmaker
Seattle Open Bike Lanes
Local Traffic

Seattle Got Drunk and Spent All Federal Coronavirus Funds On 85 New Bike Lanes

SEATTLE, WA – Mayor Jenny Durkin confirmed to reporters today that, after a “Quanantini”-laden remote city council meeting, Seattle had spent the city’s entire $216 million Federal stimulus package on more than 80 new bicycle lanes and a similar green initiatives.

“We were so excited to get the stimulus,” Durkin said, “and last night we had an emergency meeting to review what to do with it. One thing led to another, and you know how it goes. When I woke up this morning I was kind of hazy about what we decided. But then I checked my e-mail and there was an order confirmation from Amazon for $118 million in paving supplies, and I’m, like, ‘Oh s–t.'”

“I figured there was some mistake,” Durkin continued, “but then I called Lisa [Herbold, Seattle City Council member] and she said, ‘I don’t know why but I have a thing from Etsy about $34 million in custom bicycle route signs.’ And then [City Council member Dan] Strauss texted me ‘did we order I-5 permanently closed last nite LOL?’ That was when I realized s–t had gotten real.”

Open Bike Lanes
Proposed new express bike corridor which will replace Interstate 5 through King County

Council members hastily assembled their recollections and e-mail receipts this morning to discover that the previous night they had placed orders for:

  • $136 million in supplies to convert dozens of Seattle metro area roads (including Highway 99 and Interstates 5 and 90) to all-bicycle surface paths with gold-plated air pumps stationed every 100 meters
  • $700,000 to convert all of Seattle’s street signs to meters
  • $14 million education program to get Seattle residents to know how to calculate things in meters
  • $530,000 for “share the road” bumper stickers that, ironically, go on cars
  • $1.2 million for indoor, climate controlled bike racks for the homeless
  • $6 million to purchase solar-powered skateboards for socially distanced mass transit on Capitol Hill
  • $87 million in unspecified funds for underprivileged Orcas

In related news, the Burien City Council disclosed yesterday that its entire stimulus funding had been spent in a single visit to a 7-11 on Highway 99, purchasing 85 lbs. of Jack Link beef jerky, 64 cartons of American Spirit soft pack cigarettes and 36,000 Powerball tickets.