Audibly Drunk Portland Calls Seattle At 3 a.m. To “Just, You Know, Talk, Man”

SEATTLE, WA – “Hey, brah,” began the 3 a.m. call to the city of Seattle. “It’s me, man, Portland. The Roooooose Ciiiitttttt-aaaayyyyyyyy!”

Quickly moving past Seattle’s befogged questions of what time it was, Portland continued. “We haven’t seen each other in, like, forever, what with all this weird s–t going down, you know what I mean? So, like, how are you, man? I mean, like, how are you REALLY, you know?”

Responding to questions about whether it had been drinking, Portland replied “Oh, I just had a couple beers, like, hours ago. And my girlfriend got us some dank weed. But I just miss you, you know?”

Portland moved on to the topic of the cities’ shared Northwestern culture. “I love the rainy winters like you – NOT!” Portland said with a deep, coughing laugh. “Hey, isn’t it awesome we both have, like, actual pot stores? Isn’t that amazing? You and me, broh. Right? Hey, I miss the NBA season. How’s your basketball team? Oh, oh s–t. I totally forgot. I’m sorry man to bring that up. That’s my bad.”

At times, Portland showed evidence of emotional mood swings. “Don’t you judge me, man,” said the 25th most populous city in the US. “So maybe I didn’t go to college like you, but at least I never sold out. How’s Microsoft? ‘Cause that’s super cool. Portlandia’s still on IFC and you’ve got, like, what? Gray’s f—ing Anatomy? And Frasier jumped the shark after Niles and Daphne got married. Boom, mic drop, b—-h.”

But after a long, digressive discussion of the role of hops in craft beer, Portland returned to more conciliatory themes. “You and me, man, you know? RIGHT! You get me. We’re, like “friends with Amtrak benefits” or something. Besides, who else am I going to hang out with – Boise? They seem all cool but after the third beer they’re all, like, ‘How much ammunition do you have in your fallout shelter?'”

After 45 minutes, Seattle explained that it had to go to work the next morning. Portland reluctantly concluded the call by saying “Okay, man, you are coming here first thing after all this crap is over, right? I love you man. Bros forever. Okay? Also, before I go, can you pay my bail money?”